In My Defense

More than once now, I’ve felt the need to defend myself and my decision to get married a second time.  Now, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m a pretty “roll with the punches” kind of gal.  I truly can’t remember the last time I was offended by someone, I just usually take things with a grain of salt and move on.  However, I am apparently somewhat sensitive to the whole second marriage issue, especially when the negative comments come from people who I expect to be supportive.  An example of this is someone who asked me recently whether I was still getting married (after receiving the wedding invitation, no less) or another person who commented that I should only spend x amount of dollars on this wedding (since I’d already been married before).  I found these comments to be extremely hurtful and so you, my poor readers, will get to hear all my ranting in response.

I wrote a whole other blog post about the decline of my first marriage and the reasons behind my leaving, but I then decided that was too much and I really want to only touch lightly instead of re-hashing the whole thing.  Suffice it to say that I didn’t take leaving and divorcing lightly.  I was ashamed that I made a very wrong decision and made a commitment I didn’t understand/want.  I failed and that is a hard pill to swallow.  Looking back though, I know that I made the absolute right decision for my children and myself. 

How could I look myself in the mirror every day knowing that I was modelling to my children that it was okay to treat the person you’re supposed to love, honor and cherish so badly?  Would my daughter’s future spouse be like mine and if so, wasn’t it my fault for showing her that it was okay?  She would only expect to be treated that way.  What about my son?  Would he grow up to treat his future spouse this way?  These were some of the thoughts that finally drew my line in the sand.  I found a job, a place to live, got out and haven’t looked back since.

I do not think marriage should be entered into lightly, or taken as something you can just throw away when things don’t go your way.  I spent the better part of nine years feeling that I had to stay because that’s exactly what I would be doing.  I wanted to prove that I could “beat the odds” and that I was NOT my mother. 

When I met Mike, I made it pretty clear that I was NEVER going to get married again, EVER, end of story.  Eventually, though, I came to see things differently.  I still don’t feel that marriage automatically equals commitment and that you can have one without the other, but I understand now loving someone and wanting to tell the whole world that you choose this person/this person chooses you.  I understand the desire to have my partner become my husband and vice versa. 

Did I really make point somewhere above?  I’m not sure.  I guess my point is that until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, don’t judge.  To use another cliché: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all!  I think I deserve just as much happiness and celebration as someone who’s only been married once, and I intend to do just that. 🙂

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6 Responses to In My Defense

  1. talkbirth says:

    Personally, I consider your first wedding/marriage almost totally irrelevant. This is your first REAL wedding/marriage as far as I’m concerned! (not that those nine years you invested didn’t count or matter–they did–but your marriage to Mike is based on something totally different and thus “counts” in a very different way to my brain. Of course, not that people can’t get married for a second time even if the first time was also for love and seemed meant to last–that is okay too, but I think you understand what I’m trying to say!)

  2. talkbirth says:

    I mean, seriously, as far as those other people are concerned, do they really think these two marriages/relationships are even in the same league or think you’re entering into something lightly and out of “habit” or something?!

  3. Shawna says:

    Amen! I was there at that first wedding and I know how hard you worked on that marriage from the beginning! I’m glad that you are now getting married and I’m thrilled it’s with someone who works with you! God Bless You Both!

  4. Robyn says:

    Wow, do I understand yet from a different perspective. My husband was married once before and I had never been married. His family put everything into his first wedding and marriage and nothing into mine. Hell, some of them didn’t even bother to show up. Although he entered his first marriage with the best of intentions, (as did his family)it was a HUGE mistake that ended a mere 18 months later. Four years after his divorce when we were getting married, his family had yet to move on and were placing bets on how long this marriage would last. I hope every anniversary that passes is just another slap in the face to them.

    Six years has passed and some still have yet to aknowledge our marriage. They still remineice about what anniversary it would’ve been for his first and don’t even have a clue about mine. They share cherished memories and pictues of “his” wedding and yet don’t even remember that “his” wedding is the one he had with me. My wedding is the one that counts because I was “the one”.

    The same is for you. You shouldn’t have to defend this marriage. It’s obivious that this is “the one” for you. Who can’t see that with you and Mike. I wish you all the best of blessings. You don’t have to defend yourself with me.

  5. Dana says:

    I can’t wait for you and Mike to get married and I’m sooooooo excited for you and for the wedding!!! And to heck with what anybody says, you don’t need to prove anything to them. I don’t know anything about your first marriage, but I’m really glad that you’ve found a relationship that makes you so happy.

  6. Donna Berry says:

    I agree with those first five responses. I just cannot imagine who would say anything, or why! Lynn told me something once that has made perfect sense to me when nothing else does(about people, not necessarily circumstances). She said ” Some people just have to have a certain level of discontent in their lives.” It’s their thing, not yours. That’s pretty lame when someone has to find fault with someone else that really has absolutely nothing to do with that person! It’s simply none of their business, and usually doesn’t even affect them at all. So, why do it? Create a little drama perhaps, or just to make someone else feel bad; who knows?

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