More than once now, I’ve felt the need to defend myself and my decision to get married a second time. Now, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m a pretty “roll with the punches” kind of gal. I truly can’t remember the last time I was offended by someone, I just usually take things with a grain of salt and move on. However, I am apparently somewhat sensitive to the whole second marriage issue, especially when the negative comments come from people who I expect to be supportive. An example of this is someone who asked me recently whether I was still getting married (after receiving the wedding invitation, no less) or another person who commented that I should only spend x amount of dollars on this wedding (since I’d already been married before). I found these comments to be extremely hurtful and so you, my poor readers, will get to hear all my ranting in response.
I wrote a whole other blog post about the decline of my first marriage and the reasons behind my leaving, but I then decided that was too much and I really want to only touch lightly instead of re-hashing the whole thing. Suffice it to say that I didn’t take leaving and divorcing lightly. I was ashamed that I made a very wrong decision and made a commitment I didn’t understand/want. I failed and that is a hard pill to swallow. Looking back though, I know that I made the absolute right decision for my children and myself.
How could I look myself in the mirror every day knowing that I was modelling to my children that it was okay to treat the person you’re supposed to love, honor and cherish so badly? Would my daughter’s future spouse be like mine and if so, wasn’t it my fault for showing her that it was okay? She would only expect to be treated that way. What about my son? Would he grow up to treat his future spouse this way? These were some of the thoughts that finally drew my line in the sand. I found a job, a place to live, got out and haven’t looked back since.
I do not think marriage should be entered into lightly, or taken as something you can just throw away when things don’t go your way. I spent the better part of nine years feeling that I had to stay because that’s exactly what I would be doing. I wanted to prove that I could “beat the odds” and that I was NOT my mother.
When I met Mike, I made it pretty clear that I was NEVER going to get married again, EVER, end of story. Eventually, though, I came to see things differently. I still don’t feel that marriage automatically equals commitment and that you can have one without the other, but I understand now loving someone and wanting to tell the whole world that you choose this person/this person chooses you. I understand the desire to have my partner become my husband and vice versa.
Did I really make point somewhere above? I’m not sure. I guess my point is that until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, don’t judge. To use another cliché: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all! I think I deserve just as much happiness and celebration as someone who’s only been married once, and I intend to do just that. 🙂